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Friday, June 15, 2012

not ready for this


In less than 2 months, I will be sending my sweet baby girl to "school" ( daycare, but I hate that word). I know the time was going to come sooner or later. It seriously pains me to think she will be in the care of someone else other than ME. Often, I will be watching Bristol play on the ground and I get teary eyed thinking about the first day I drop her off at school. I know I am going to be an emotional wreck. I also know that it's going to take some "getting use to" with dropping her off everyday. I like the school she will be going to, it's clean, has video cameras on her room so anyone 
(my family) can log in to a password secure website and watch Bristol, and the doors remain locked all day, that way no Joe-Smoe can walk in. We are paying a lot of money every week, but you get what you pay for and those items I listed above are so very important to me. They offer something called " discovery days" where I can drop Bristol off at school for a few hours and she will get to be in her class, meet her teachers and new friends and try and get familiar with everything. I will probably do this in July. I'm sure I will get emotional dropping her off. 

I just get this picture in my mind of me handing Bristol off to her teacher and he just looking at me with such a sad face. I mean, what if her teachers don't do everything I have asked? What if they don't change her diaper soon enough and she gets a bad rash? What if they don't give her her bottle when she needs it. What if she is playing on the ground and she tips over and bumps her head because she is still a little wobbly with sitting up?? I'm a control freak when it comes to Bristol. I mean, I want it done the way I would do it, just ask Brandon. I'm worried they won't follow me written instructions, I'm worried about so many things. I'd be lying to you if I said I wasn't. I know that so many families send their child to day care and they are happy with their chosen place, but gosh, I am scared. I'm sitting here tearing up about it. I want Bristol to like it, I want her to get the most out of it, I really do. I'm sure she will, I know she will. I remember when I used to work at Primrose when I was younger. Parent's would drop off their child and the child would cry, scream and just throw a fit. I can't help but think that as Bristol becomes more aware of what is going on and that I won't be around during the day, she will start to do things like this. Oh... my mind has wandered about so many things. I could keep going.

I hate that I am going to miss so many things she will do during the day. Like, what if she learns to walk at school and I MISS that? My mind is flooded with things that I won't be present for like I am present for right now.

I am so very thankful for this time that her and I have gotten to spend with each other. I know that not every mom can be a "stay at home mom", I was lucky enough to be one for a year. Off to work I go in August, without my baby. I just wish I could bring her with me. She would be so well behaved :) Speaking of behavior, Bristol really has no issues with other people holding her. She has been around other babies/kids and adults her whole 10 months of life. I know that this will help when it's time to go to "school". Well,  at least I hope it will.

I find myself in constant prayer over this situation. Although I am sad/mad/upset/scared and anything else you can think of, I am excited to go back to work and a part of me feels guilty about that. I am excited about bringing in some much needed income and having some "me" time. My prayer is that I have a sense of peace and comfort about this situation. It's constantly on my mind and heart and I want it to be a good feeling, not a sad feeling.

I guess that is all for now. If you would like to, please say a prayer or 2 or 3 or everyday for myself, Brandon and Bristol during this time of transition. 

Thank's ya'll!


Kayla said...

Oh Kidool....this post made me so sad for you! I hate to hear how hard this is for you. I don't really have much advice for you but to find other girls who have gone through this same thing! There are so many people, especially at our church, that have kiddos in daycare and they have had wonderful experiences!! Good luck!!! :)